Wednesday, October 10, 2012
at the corner of stuttering and imperfect
i wish i could say we would do it perfectly.
i wish i could tell you, and myself, that we would help when we were needed, speak encouraging words when they were lacking, and do it every. time.
but we won't.
spanish was my first language, but after i started going to school and learning english, i lost a lot of it. three years of elementary and middle school spanish and four years of high school spanish have improved my fluency but not my confidence.
i worked register yesterday and two women walked up to me. the younger translated for the older, in a language i couldn't understand.
then i heard what sounded almost exactly like spanish. but it hadn't been spanish i heard before, i thought, so i held my tongue and kept listening for a little. it was portuguese. i think the woman was surprised when i asked her if it was; she smiled and asked, "do you speak portuguese?" i told her i didn't.
when i handed the change back to the older woman, who was the one buying clothes, i told her how much it was in spanish. i wished them a good day in spanish, stuttering over those simple words, "que tengan un buen día."
i stutter a lot at this job, even in english.
i don't have a stutter.
i feel like moses. i am a severely introverted person whose preferred medium is writing. i'm not cut out for a job in retail. i'm not cut out for a job that involves impromptu speaking.
there's grace there. right there. did you see it?
i miss it. do you? do you look at the shattered pieces of your broken life and ask why that fight, that passion, that work? you're not prepared. i'm not prepared. we're not prepared.
bethany dillon sings a lyric: "Jesus, You are more / than I was ready for." amen. amen?
because for all the times i haven't been able to find an item a customer wanted, all the times i've been awkward on the phone (ie. every time i've answered the phone...), all the times i haven't been able to make words come out of my mouth, either as smoothly as i'd like or at all, He has given me enough strength to try again with the next person. and that throws me off. i've made a staid practice of avoiding things at which i am not accomplished. i'm not used to dusting myself off and trying again.
this is a series on practical faith, and sometimes the most practical thing to do is remember. to remember: none of this is in our control; it never was. it's firmly and irrevocably in His mighty hands.
Labels: 31 days of practical faith