Sunday, October 21, 2012

the mending & breaking.


it happens out of the blue.

it's a moment that usually wouldn't bother me. a simple thing. a guy does something sweet for his girl while they're shopping. i don't usually pay attention to these things.

if you asked me how i "get through" being single, so to speak, i would say mostly because i forget. i choose to think of other things, to focus on what i have going on. i don't worry about being single because it's not something i can change, so i handle what i can change.

seeing girls with their boyfriends doesn't bother me because that's not my life right now, and sometimes i just feel like i'm not ready for one (although i did read somewhere that when you don't feel ready for a relationship is usually when you are. i'm not sure what to make of that).

but then, there is the rare time it does, the rare time it stabs me in the stomach.

on the bulletin board behind my desk, there is a small poster my friend made for me, with pictures of me from high school with phrases on them that i wrote there. one reads, "I planned my life out in Sharpie. God struck it clean and handed me a pencil to use instead."

my heart broke at 15. it has been six years since then; six years that have made me unrecognizable to the girl whose heart was shattered, six years that have given me very different dreams and ideas. and ever since, and even still, God is healing me, weaving my heart back together in a way that will someday beat fully for His glory, breaking it for everything His beats constantly for. i don't know what that looks like. but i am trusting, in my own small, hesitant way, that He does, and that He will make it beautiful, in His time.

so sometimes, when seeing a guy be sweet with his girl is painful, it is also a sweet reminder of His work on my heart, small pricks as God sticks the needle through the fabric to sew these still-broken heart-pieces together.

maybe Jesus is threading you back together from long-broken pieces, and maybe no one really understands why it's such a long journey, and if you're there? friend? i get it. i get you. because we are all products of the past, all products of what we've been through and where we're from and the people who've been around us. and that's none of those are perfect, in tandem or separately.

is there something you're working through, something God is simultaneously mending and breaking your heart from and for? much like this post, i want to you use this one to share with me, because i want to pray over you. and for those of you who are wondering what happened to those comments you left on "my heart: the manifesto," they just weren't left there. i keep them in my email inbox, especially marked, and i have prayed over them. i pray over them still. and i want to keep doing that. so friend? pour your heart out. updates on past prayer requests, current prayer requests, praises, whatever you need to spill.

we're all walking a path of being made new. & we are only walking fully when we walk together. we learned last week how to share our stories; this week, let's use them to build this tribe.

3 comments:

  1. So encouraging Annie! Loved every word of this post especially the bit on feeling like you get stabbed sometimes out of the blue. Been there.

    We should chat on the phone again sometime soon =)

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  2. I grew up in a really harsh church environment, one that doesn't go at all with what I really think God is all about. The healing from that is just ongoing. I think I'm over it and the something else pops up. It's like mental whack-a-mole. I am having to rewrite what I think of God, how he sees me, how I see myself, and I don't know if I will ever truly be done with this. I can only hope. Prayers for you too.

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  3. I absolutely love this post and it couldn't have come at a better time! Today while I was blog hopping around I noticed that a majority of the bloggers that I follow seem to be in some form of a relationship and this is the center of their blogs. I am a single gal and I feel that pinge of pain when I see a cute couple out and about. I guess it is jealously but it still hurts just the same. I really do feel as though i'm in the minority in that I am single and blogging! This post was amazing :) New follower for sure!

    Kathleen

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